Song 53 – The Sum of Regrets

I wrote this song, as you might guess, in the shower. But not my own, so let me back up a little bit to give you some context.

I thought I’d planned the perfect getaway. A short drive got me to a town I hadn’t visited before and I booked the perfect AirBnB apartment for two nights. It was right over a coffee house, so I could roll out of bed and get my morning tea without any hassle. And coffee houses are quiet, right? I didn’t think it would keep me awake at night. And I was right, the coffeehouse was quiet. But the four bars that surrounded the apartment (and that I had failed to notice when I booked it) were insanely loud.

Red didn’t have a good night’s sleep… (Photo by AMK)

When I first arrived, I saw the street lined with motorcycles and thought it was just a crew grabbing dinner on their way through town. Boy was I wrong. From 9pm until dawn, it sounded like a week long Harley-Davidson rally compressed into a single night. Coming from four sides, I heard engines roaring, men fighting, women laughing and the constant sound of shattering glass. When the sun came up, not having slept a wink, I was in a very strange mental state: half rage, half depression, and entirely exhausted. That’s when, instead of getting tea, I stepped into the shower and wrote this song.

The funny thing is that was my plan for the trip. I wanted to write a new song, just not this one and in these circumstances. I had originally imagined spending the morning enjoying a long walk and then gently strumming my guitar in the afternoon. Instead, I could barely move and thinking straight wasn’t an option. But, as you can hear, maybe that was for the best.

I have a love/hate relationship with this sort of extreme exhaustion. On the one hand, it’s miserable to be so tired. On the other hand, it’s my most creative time. Words, ideas, melodies and memories blend together in a random swirl, somehow linking together to form something new. Sometimes these songs are dark, like this one, but more often than not, they are bright. In either case, the act of creation is an intense stimulant. A second wind kicks in and the agony of fatigue evaporates. And that’s what happened with this song. In the period of about 30 minutes, I went from being miserably tired to satisfied that I had created something new.

With the new song written, I went for a short walk and then drove home, opting not to stay the extra night.

Poe was up all night, too! (Photo by AMK)

Folks! I had a wonderful May, and I hope yours was good, too. If you’d like to sing or play along with the new song, here is the song sheet.

Song 52 – Evil Genius

Over the years I’ve told a lot of stories about the moment a song came to me. Usually the story describes me in the shower, a special, private time that doesn’t lend itself to video. This song, however, was different. I came up with the chorus while sliding down the side of a hill over the winter holiday. And I have a video of it. The exact moment. Here’s the video – the bit right after I hoot – that’s when the song appeared in my head.

This song is related to “That Dude In The Movies“. Both songs are about how I get lost in the fantasy of movies and imagine what it would be like to be the hero (or, sometimes, the villain). But, inevitably, I have to come back to reality and admit that as cool as it would be to save the whole world from aliens, I’m just me, doing what I do.


Folks, I can’t thank Brain Risk and Robert Cantrell enough for helping me out with this tune. I gave them a vague plot line for a story, and they turned it into an epic movie with a cast of 1,000s. Their input can not be overstated, and I feel so lucky to have such talented collaborators. If you’d like to sing or play along with this tune, here’s the song sheet.

Song 51 – The Rainbow

Folks, that beautiful voice you hear is Miriam Chicurel-Bayard’s. I feel so fortunate to have had her sing with me on so many of my songs. Every time she records a part, I study everything she does in hopes that I can learn a trick or two to use myself. And those cute drawings in the video? Those were by Brian Risk. He brought a lot of magic to make the video work.

I’m a member of BMI, a company that collects royalties, some for themselves and some for songwriters should their songs be played in K-Mart or some other public space. BMI doesn’t make much money off of me. People don’t shop to the tune of Mr. Haddy. Instead, BMI makes its fortune from hit songwriters – the people that write the songs you shop to.

In order to collect more royalties, BMI sends out a newsletter every week with advice on how to write a hit song. With minor differences to keep it sounding fresh, the gist is always the same: Listen to the radio, learn the formula used by the current hit songs, follow that formula.

Strangely, this advice for success is the same for almost every occupation. Sage, expert guidance for writing a hit song is the same counseling my statistics teachers gave me: “look at how other people analyze the data, learn the formula, then follow it.”

As practical as this advice is, it has always chaffed me. It’s very good at producing more of the same stuff that people want, and I appreciate how valuable that is to so many people, myself included, but it doesn’t do much for creating something new. Following recipes won’t create a new statistical test (needed for a new experiment), nor will it capture the songs I hear in my head. On the other hand, there’s no sense in creating a new statistical test if a suitable one already exists, and there’s no sense in writing music, no matter how personal, if no one else will listen to it (after all, music is a form of communication.)


This song, like so many of my songs, started in the shower. This time it was the very last line that came to me first, “He must have found the rainbow’s end, this I’m sure”.

For a long while, I had no idea what that meant. The words alone described achievement and success, but the melody suggested that things hadn’t gone exactly as planed. It made me wonder about “success”. Was it following the recipe? Was it more personal? Was it writing a hit song? Or was it expressing the songs I hear in my head, even if they don’t lend themselves to radio play. Was it somewhere in between? With those questions in mind, the song wrote itself about the internal and external hallmarks of success that we desire.


Folks! I hope you had a wonderful March. Mine was great. I shaved on the first day of spring, but I’m already letting the beard grow back. I enjoyed seeing my face for a few days but I certainly don’t need to see it every day. I also had a fun trip to visit my parents in The City of Plant City, Florida. If you’d like to sing or play along with this tune, here’s the song sheet!

Song 50 – Mr. Haddy

Here’s a curious song. It wrote itself in about 30 minutes while I was driving home from a canceled appointment. Instead of getting work done like I had expected, I ended up with this tune. But how does a song like this, with such a strange character, just pop out of thin air?

Mr Haddy, the character in the song, is a melding of the adult characters in the book and movie The Mosquito Coast – a story that’s never been far from my mind since I saw it in the theater in 1986. I’m not sure why, but it’s always lingering in the back of my thoughts. Clearly it was on my mind when I drove home from my non-appointment.


The Mosquito Coast is a story of a family, lead by a charismatic father, Allie Fox, that is told from the perspective of the oldest son. Mr. Fox believes that America, as a culture and society, is in rapid decline. He hated seeing the country’s virtues being replaced with greed, materialism and selfishness, saying, “We eat when we’re not hungry, drink when we’re not thirsty. We buy what we don’t need and throw away everything that’s useful.” He sensed that the end was near.

To save his family from a self-destructive culture and the potential of nuclear fallout, Mr. Fox moves them to the Mosquito Coast, a developing country in the tropics. There, he creates a rational utopia in the middle of a chaotic jungle. Taming the wilderness gives him a temporary happiness and confirms his belief that reason can conquer all. It is there that Mr. Fox meets an evangelical missionary and Mr. Haddy. Mr. Haddy ends up being the moderate in this story, flanked on both sides of the political spectrum by Mr. Fox and the missionary.

As the story progresses, things fall apart, as they always do. I can’t remember seeing a movie about a cultish-type leader that ended well for that man. Ultimately, Mr. Fox is killed by the missionary, but this tragedy liberates his family from the oppression of his singular world view. It is then that Mr. Fox’s oldest son says, “Once I had believed in father, and the world had seemed small, and old. Now he was gone, and I wasn’t afraid to love him any more. And the world seemed limitless.”


So this song is about the three main adult characters in The Mosquito Coast, as told from the son’s perspective. Anyone who’s taken a song writing class will tell you that’s no way to write a pop song – and they would be right. A pop song needs to have laser focus on its single subject and a chorus that hooks you in. This has neither, but it’s what popped in my head when I drove home that day.

I hope everyone had a great February. We had an early spring here in North Carolina. It makes me wonder what March will be like. If you’d like to play or sing along with my tune, here’s the song sheet. This month’s tune was a fun one for me. It’s been awhile since I pulled out the ukuleles and tapped out rhythms with chop-sticks, and it was fun to return to those older techniques.

Laparoscopic hernia repair – My story

I previously wrote about the “open” surgery I had for my hernia. Unfortunately, the hernia came back 3 months later. This is rare (occurring maybe 1 or 2% of the time). I have since had additional surgery. This time it was laparoscopic. The two methods are very different and the recoveries and related pain are very different. Here I’ll describe the new method and compare it to “open”.

In a nutshell, here are the major differences between the experiences of laparoscopic and open surgery for hernia repair:

  1. Laparoscopic surgery hurt more the first few days, but the pain dropped off fast and disappeared much faster compared to open surgery. With open surgery, the pain was never horrible, but took longer to fade away.
  2. I was able to comfortably sleep on my side sooner with open surgery than laparoscopic surgery.
  3. There were major reductions in pain five (5) days after the surgeries – both of them. That appears to be the magic number.

If you are planning having either type of surgery, I’d recommend reading the first part of the previous entry, because I list things I did to prepare. I did those again this time as well and still recommend them. I did 2 things differently, though. 1) I only ate soft foods (like soup or yogurt or smoothies) for the two days leading up to the surgery. 2) I also started to take laxatives starting two days before and for the first few days was pretty aggressive with the dosages. I would recommend both of these things whole heartedly.

Day 0: I went back to UNC Hospitals. Having done this before, I already new the drill and everything went very smoothly. Last time, the anesthetic left my brain scattered for weeks, so this time I asked if they could try something else. They did, this time putting all of it into me intravenously instead of mixing it with the oxygen, and my head is already much clearer than before.

Once the main pain killers wore off, I found the pain from the incisions – three 1-2 cm wide cuts – one in my belly button, one about three inches to left and one three inches to the right – pretty intense and acute. It made breathing, especially taking deep breaths, painful. It also made it harder to eat food. Last time I remember having a huge appetite. This time has been completely different. I’ve only ate two bowls of soup during the day and was completely full.

At night, laying in bed and breathing was very painful and I ended up taking two Percocet pills. Unlike the first time I tried this, I slept through the night. I also drank 2 Tbs. of milk of magnesia.

Day 1: My appetite was minimal and everything hurt. Breathing hurt. I felt incredibly bloated. I took another two Percocet pills to get to sleep. The one highlight, however, was taking a shower. It felt great.

Day 2: I reviewed my original “open surgery” post and saw that I took a good deal of ibuprofen and acetaminophen back then. Today I started the same regimen. I felt significantly better. Most of the day I moved about with relative ease and had no difficulty standing up or sitting down until the end of the day. My appetite returned and I ate a burger with fries. The burger was delicious.

Day 3: I continued to improve. I also had my first full bowel movement. One thing different about the laparoscopic surgery is that it’s much more difficult to sleep on my side. This makes it much harder to sleep through the night. I wake up around 3am with a strong desire to roll over, and I try to do this, but it hurts too much to fall back to sleep.

Days 4 and 5: I barely slept the night before and spent as much of the day laying down as possible. I watched a funny movie, and that made me laugh, and that was very, very painful. The good news, however, is that this time I have not developed the same, evil cough that I did last time. That cough was uncontrollable and hurt like crazy. This time I can control things better. If laughing hurts, I can stop watching the movie.

Days 6 and 7: The pain at the sites of the incisions decreased a lot. So much that I no longer felt like I was constantly looking forward to the next time I could take Advil. The change was sudden and a huge relief. If I were allowed to return to work, I would do so comfortably. Instead, I have another week of taking it easy, making sure I don’t have to do the surgery yet another time.

Days 8-10: Continued improvement. Mobility is a non-issue. I still haven’t performed any real stress tests yet, though.

Days 11 on: It’s almost a year after the surgery, so let me summarize – it’s a bit of a roller coaster, but ultimately, I’m doing really well. There are days that are very scary – it feels like the original pain is back – it hurts really bad. But, unlike before, the pain fades after a day. This happens every time I try something new. If I go jogging and decide I want to run a little faster than I did last time, the next day I’m in pain. If I go for a walk and want to walk a little further than next time, the next day I’m in pain. This is the same for everything. If it’s new, it hurts. But the pain always fades. And once I’ve done the new thing, I’m set – the pain only comes back when I walk a little further or run a little faster. At one point I got a cold and coughing brought on some really bad pain. I saw a doctor about this. He said, “you’ve got a lot of scar tissue and will always be adjusting to that, but it’s nothing to worry about”. This has proven to be true.

Health and fitness wise, I’m doing as well as I’ve ever done, and am contemplating running races again.

One year later: Like I said before, the last year has been a little bit of a roller coaster, but, in general, I’m feeling more and more comfortable as time goes by.